I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
