we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
