i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
