So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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