I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
