You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
