His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
