Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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