I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
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