fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize