Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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