the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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