I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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