We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize