my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize