Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
