she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
