she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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