No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She even gives head with a lisp.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize