I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
