Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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