capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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