good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
