if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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