Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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