I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
