Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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