Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
