Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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