my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just gargled with NyQuil
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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