so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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