i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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