would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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