The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
