dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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