Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
