do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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