if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
