If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
