Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
