They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
And then he peed in my hair
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