All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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