Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
