Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Randomize
