My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
