dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize
