You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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