i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
