She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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