So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
