My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize