He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
