Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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