First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
no you cant smoke seaweed
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I enjoy the company of your penis
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
