My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
