please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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