i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
