woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
